'Ang on a minute!
I got summat sharp in me welly.
Have to be sharp to survive that.
Wow!
It's sharp all right, is that.
By God! You could frighten peacocks with a sock like that.
They was reduced. I'm glad about that.
I'd hate to see 'em on full power! What'll you do when the battery's gone?
They're not electric.
They are from here.
How can he do that without an anaesthetic?
I washed my feet! I wash 'em every time I put new socks on.
Every time?
Well...nearly every time.
Hey! Look at that!
No, I don't think we'll bother.
That's a flint for a lighter.
It's very mysterious, is that.
You're right y'know. I was just thinking, that's the most mysterious...
..handkerchief I've ever seen. Me other one's in the wash.
The wash?
I mean it's mysterious, 'cos I 'aven't got a lighter. So, what's a flint doin' in me welly?
You better look in the other welly. You might find the lighter.
That's better.
Did you notice how dark it went, when he put that sock back in?
Quite a rare astronomical event, total eclipse of the sock.
You think it's goin' t'be another ordinary day, and then suddenly y'find a flint in yer welly!
Good job there wasn't a spark, could've blown your foot off.
If there's no guiding hand behind the Universe...
..how come bananas are just the right shape for your mouth?
Couldn't get bananas in wartime.
Couldn't get Lily Matthews either.
I know. I tried.
She was RAF mad, yer 'adn't got a chance if yer wore khaki.
Not even scruffy khaki? No.
And I were really good at scruffy khaki. Mind you, it were scruffy when yer got it.
You were supposed to press it.
Oh that's great! Yer gotta go out an' die for 'em an' yer gotta press yer suit for the privilege.
Dying a lot round Aldershot, were they?
Only for bananas.
That's not the point - I didn't know I wasn't goin' t'die, did I?
They gave me a rifle and a bayonet. I thought, hello, hello! This is not for pickin' yer teeth.
There I was with a gun and a bayonet and in civvie street they 'ad me for keepin' a few ferrets!
Think they were going to send you ferreting after the Germans?
That could've flushed Adolf out of his bunker.
I like it - 'The Secret War Of Compo Simmonite'.
'The Day Of The Ferret'.
Eat yer banana. It's all gone.
That's life. Suddenly it's high summer and yer banana's all gone.
I should've joined the RAF an' 'ad a tour of ops on Lily Matthews.
She was ugly. Only from the front. And you know him in wartime. He never went near the front.
I tried for a reserve occupation.
And no one was more reserved about
Who's steerin'?
He's steering. I thought you were.
The last time I was in a hedge bottom I was with a bird from Nottingham. Nature lover.
Couldn't she steer either? We wasn't cyclin', we was courtin'.
And you brought her to this dyke bottom. Spared no expense, did you?
In the pursuit of love, you've been in some interesting places.
Oh I 'ave though, I 'ave.
I should imagine courting and ferreting seem similar to you.
They do.
Just the quarry that's different.
Bin in some quarries an'all.
You know how he tells them apart?
The rabbits are prettier!
Mildred were pretty.
That's a nice name for a rabbit.
She weren't a rabbit! She were a welder.
Oh, that one.
Oh, she were pretty.
Pretty loud.
Are we all in one piece then? Oh fine!
I've been thinking, we're going to have to get 3 bikes.
I'll do the talking.
All right.
How do, Percy?
Less of the Percy. It's Dirk...
..all right?
It's been Dirk for 15 years. Are you with me? I paid heavy bread for it legally.
If yer don't like it, try Mr Westerfield.
Tha 'asn't got a chance Percy. We've known thee since thee were a lad.
What kind of a name is Percy, for a man with his own business, drives a Jag, with irons in the fire?
I'm going to be Finkle Street's 1st millionaire.
Yer like the sound, right?
Ah! Tha gets funnier than ever.
All right, so it's taking time.
I'm 50. A young 50. I'm not yer flash-in-the-pan overnight whiz kid
That's true.
Yes, we'll give you that, Percy.
Dirk, it's Dirk.
You're not anybody's flash-in-the- pan overnight whiz kid.
Know why?
Incompetence?
I'll tell you why - because I've never had the breaks. Same with Clegg's bike!
Y'know what...
..the 2nd hand trade really needs? A good war. A really good big war.
Suddenly yer into army surplus and yer laughin'.
I shouldn't be pratting about with washing machines. I should have a row of rocket launchers over there.
A big demand for rocket launchers around here, is there?
Be international, wouldn't I?
Wherever men gathered for military hardware, there'd be this whisper, 'Have you tried Dirk's?'
Then there'd be this other whisper,
What are you complaining about? We've had a perfectly good big war.
Well, I missed it. Ah, tha were a bit late there, Dirkus. They started before I was ready.
I remember having the same impression.
Never mind, I thought, they'll have another, and what happened? Nuthin.
I woke up every mornin' with a keen sense of expectation - nuthin.
Oh, yer can grow old waitin' for bombs to start droppin' round 'ere.
Right lads, what can I do for yer?
Bicycles.
Hey! Watch yer language, Elsie!
Are yer buyin' or sellin'?
Buying.
Well, in that case, you're entitled to my number one friendly smile.
If yer were sellin'...
..I have to put on this rock hard expression.
Oh! What's this? A take-over bid?
We're looking for a couple of old but serviceable machines...cheap.
Dirt cheap.
Dirt cheap..I don't know when...
..I'm gonna get my yacht.
I'm gonna be about 60 before I start pullin' birds.
It'll be a race against time.
Have you got a selection of machines we could examine?
Examine? For dirt cheap you expect to EXAMINE?
Well, what price did you 'ave in mind then, man? 45 quid, rock bottom.
45 quid!
Well, what price did yer 'ave in mind, man?
5 quid, man.
Get out!
Each, man.
Out!
'Ang on, 'ang on.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I've got a shed full of bicycle parts. I'll let you knock your own machines together.
An' we'll arrange the money.
He hasn't got the 1st idea and he won't let me help him with it.
That's not a bad 1st idea.
I wash my hands of it. Oh, is that my wheel?
Well, I hope so, 'cos if it's a musical instrument it's going to very awkward to play.
Well, I suppose we shouldn't be unkind to Little Electric Socks.
But I must say, I do rather enjoy it.
Well, you have to smile, don't you? We're not really being unkind.
He knows I'll help when he comes unstuck.
Tha should see 'im with a spanner! 'E's got no idea!
Hey, is that my frame?
Well, I hope so, 'cos if it's a musical instrument it's going to be very awkward to blow.
'E's worse with a spanner than 'e is wi' a woman. But all tall blokes are the same, aren't they?
Don't look at me, I'm a short bloke.
'E keeps lookin' at me machine all envious, I pretend I'm not lookin'.
Ah, yer can't be unkind to Big Elsie really, can yer?
I mean 'e knows full well I'll 'elp 'im if 'e comes unstuck.
Think I'll give 'im a Tally Ho.
It looks a picture. Let's 'ope we get a better class of customer.
Or even a better class of staff.
'Ow many more trips upstairs?
Wait till yer 'ave t'run with the food.
Think they'll ever like work?
I wouldn't expect so, it's too late. They're past it.
They were past it before they even started it.
Yes...well, you'll not change the 'abits of a lifetime.
Suppose not, depressin' though.
Oh yes, very depressin'. I blame a lot of it on television meself.
Why?
Well...yer see all these funny ways of livin'.
People enjoyin' themselves.
It makes it 'ard for them to adjust to the fact that REAL life...
..if you're honest and decent, is bound to be pretty borin'.
Do you find yer 'usband borin'?
Oh yes! I wouldn't 'ave 'im any other way.
So predictable.
Yes, they are, aren't they.
Predictable and borin'. We've a lot to be thankful for.
Well, a bit, anyway.
Mind you keep them overalls clean. People come 'ere for food, they're entitled to nothing but cleanliness.
Hey up! Oh my God!
Keep your 'ands off my walls! Stand there! Just stand there and don't move.
Don't move! What about some grub? We're starvin'.
One step at a time. Just stay there a minute and let's establish some ground rules.
What happened to that homely air of neglect?
It's very smart, congratulations.
We're aimin' for a better class of customer, we're obviously failin'.
It's like a hospital Hey! There's Dr Kildare with 'is faithful...
..nurse, Sister Wally. Knife.
Just look at the state you're in.
We've been building bicycles.
Bicycles?
At Percy Dirk's.
Ooh! That's somethin' like a man's job! Buildin' bicycles.
Hey up! Who's that posed so seductively up them steps?
Ugh! Wrinkled stockin's!
Keep 'im away!
Don't worry, I'll keep 'm away.
Yer can't refuse to serve 'em.
Nobody's refusin' to serve 'em. They're just goin' to get it... continental style.
Continental style? Continental style? Continental style?
I never 'ad it like that before!
I feel a prawn stuck out 'ere.
I agree. It's a bit like making love in a railway station.
I think it's quite pleasant eating outside. Why should you feel...
..a prawn?
Them, for a start.
What time does the show start?
What are you talking about? Get off home!
Is 'e the comic?
Go away! Go on!
Be off, all of you. Go home!
Beggars! Doesn't it give you a warm feeling knowing that 70% of your rates go on education.
It's for yer fingers!
Hey, garsong!
I wish you'd give over.
It's all right for you lot out 'ere. You were out makin' bicycles.
I'm stuck waitin' on tables.
Do we have to eat out here?
There must be some scruffy little corner Ivy could fit us into. Even if it's only the kitchen.
You're safer out 'ere today. It's a man's world out 'ere.
I never realised 'ow much I missed the irresponsiblity and bad language.
We're perfectly all right out here.
Nora's got eyes in the back of 'er pinny.
Ivy's in a panic on account of this private party she's 'avin'.
It's really quite civilised out here.
And that's the way it's going to stay. Kindly stop reaching across people.
Watch yer manners now yer on show.
Listen Wonderwoman, I'm starvin'. This bike buildin' gives yer an appetite.
Not to mention the skin off his knuckles.
Call that thing of yours a bike?
No more weird than the thing you're buildin'.
Now stand back! I'm givin' yer due warnin'.
Nothin's comin' between me and this pie.
Oh God!
Here it comes, then. Are you ready for this?
CRASH
Oh no, hang on, hang on! There's a piece just fallen off!
If wheeling it is going to shake it to pieces, why don't you just carry it very gently?
ANGRY SHOUTS Just listen to that language!
Me screwdriver's slipped!
It's marvellous! He hasn't been cycling 2 minutes and already he's picked up the vocabulary!
It's done. I'm comin'. Is tha ready?
Get on with it.
Well...
It's different.
She's a little cracker, is this.
Don't stand there gigglin'. Go and get yours, then we can all 'ave a good giggle.
I'll match yours anytime.
Yer should see it! Well, go on.
Hey, Norm.
What does tha think of this nimble little machine? Not bad, eh?
Isn't it a bit...low at the front?
LOW?
Don't get upset. I didn't mean low. I meant low and high.
'Course it's low! She's a little racer.
Better than 'is great clumsy lump.
Built to last is this machine.
That's what they said about the Titanic.
It IS the Titanic! He's put pedals on the Titanic.
A larger machine for a taller figure. It seems perfectly logical to me.
Goin' t'get a nasty 'eadache goin' under low bridges.
Don't exaggerate. The thing's merely a comfortable height for my length of leg.
I feel the same way exactly about Nora Batty.
Where are we going riding?
Does it matter?
It does if you're determined to make a spectacle of yourself.
A spectacle of myself?
I assure you...
..this machine and I...
..have no intention of making a spectacle of ourselves.
Hang on. We'll have to wait for Faithful Dobbin again.
Again? What's 'e doin'?
About 2 mph, you've seen what he's doing.
Dear oh dear!
Straighten up man!
I can't! Me back's locked!
Locked?
Well not to worry, because if it's any consolation, through that hole there, I can see your combination!
Keep yer 'ands off my paintwork.
I'll topple over if I 'aven't got anythin' to 'old onto.
Well hold onto this thought for today.
If you put a mark on this paintwork, I'll feed you through me waste disposal.
Bones an' all!
Right, get him down.
ARRGH! OOH!
ARRGH! That's right, be brave!
Oh, I am goin' t'get better?
I am goin' t'get better, eh?
Why's it all gone quiet?
We're thinking. You don't want a casual snap answer.
Yes, I do. I want a casual snap answer.
It's just a little crick in the back. Worse things happen in bed.
Not in MY bed, they don't.
I can vouch for that.
What's up? Tryin' t'get 'im into a parcel?
It's a little bicycle fatigue. Try this.
Get yerself down here.
Hang on, I know 'ow to solve it.
Oh I like that, I like that!
I've never seen such an exhibition
This situation is going to need some very delicate handling. In fact hardly any handling at all.
Yes, well I'll leave yer to it.
There are darker corners of this Universe into which a woman of my sensibility is not disposed to pry.
Oh, while yer straightenin' 'im up, KEEP 'IS 'ANDS OFF MY WOODWORK!
Oooh!
How ARE we going to straighten him up? I think I know how.
Sorry to have to inform you, Ivy...
..but a certain crippled person has accidentally put his mucky fingers all over your paintwork.
THAT'S A LIE!
ON MY PAINTWORK! Oh don't leave me!
^ I told you! OOOOOH!
By heck, Sid! Tha needs a medal.
Feeling better?
That was a rotten trick. But was it worth it to get yer health back?
It come back all of a rush.
Well, now you're fit again. Ready to make yourself obnoxious to all the ladies.
I do my best.
There's nobody does it better.
It's all right for you lot, she just throws you out. Me she keeps!
Is tha sure this thing's better?
Of course it's better. This way we all keep at the same speed.
Look at Cleggy. 'E looks worried about it. Only because I'm worried about it.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about. It's going to be a very stable machine.
There! A stroke of genius.
I mean look at it. Stands up by itself.
How safe can yer get? 6 wheels, more than a Rolls Royce.
I was 'appier when me only worry was a flint in me welly.
Why are you being so negative?
Tell him, tell him. All I ask...
..is a fair trial.
It looks guilty to me.
You'll see.
You mark my words. The world is going to be amazed that nobody's ever thought of this idea before.
The name Dewhurst is going to be up there alongside Stevenson, Edison, Marconi...
Who's that lot?
Just to give you an idea... they're all dead.
It keeps goin' in all directions.
That's because we haven't started to ride it yet.
Once we're in the saddles, we'll be able to steer it accurately. At what?
At nothing. We're just going to coast down this gentle slope to get the feel of it.
'As it got any brakes?
Brakes? Not only has it got brakes. It's got 3 independent braking systems.
That's more than a Rolls Royce.
Here we go then.
Why aren't we moving?
'E's got 'is brakes on.
Why have you got your brakes on?
Because he's got his brakes on.
Come on, let's go.
Right.
Isn't this pleasant?
Now we'll test the brakes. Wait for it! Wait for my signal.
Can't just go braking when we feel like it.
We must all do it together.
Watch for my signal.
Braking detail... ready...steady...GO!
Tha 4-eyed, useless TWIT!
And THAT'S more than a Rolls Royce.
Subtitles by Sue Northwood